My biggest fear is that my lack of self-motivation is holding down the manifestations of my dreams.
I have been an aspiring YouTuber for the past 8 months, the same period of time that people start getting results. But all I have to show for my lack of effort and inconsistency is 71 biased subscribers( who are all my family and friends) and 1 actual posted video.
I am living my nightmare, quite literally.
I feel I have so many ideas, but I lack the stuff that’s needed to plan, go out, shoot, sit down, edit, and post.
I am my own stumbling block.
This type of problem cannot be solved by watching YouTube videos on how to be more productive because the problem stems from within.
I let the situations in my life affect every area of my life. For the same 8 months, I have lived with unbelievably disgusting people.
And I have been overwhelmed by always being the one cleaning after them like a maid in my own house, cooking in an icky kitchen, and having to shower in an icky bathroom.
I see all these shorts with girls doing their nighttime routine, and I am caught in an endless whorl of fanticization.
I overthink and let myself get subdued by my misery, and when the clock hits 9.30 pm, I make up an excuse why I can’t edit.
I distract myself to numb myself from the reality of my miserable situation, and my inability to perform despite my situation.
I tell myself countless times to do it anyway, but I always, unfailingly succumb to self-pity, self-doubt, self-denial, and depression.
I hate my roommates. I hate myself. I hate where I live.
Let’s just say graduating from high school, this is not how I planned my uni life would kick off.
So my current predicament, with people who simply don’t care about hygiene or cleanliness or seem not to even have had a plan for how they wanted their uni life to be, is the biggest regret of my life.
But the point of my writing is not to focus on them, but to reach someone who is familiar with my situation.
In this life, the only person worthy to blame for failure to achieve our dreams is ourselves.
It would be a shame, an abomination, to hold any other thing or person accountable.
We are the moulders of our future, not because we can choose what happens to us, or where we end up.
But because every morning, we make decisions that influence our future.
To get up at 4am or 6am or 11am.
To eat junk, or make a salad.
To edit, or sleep.
To put in a little effort, or get overwhelmed into thinking it’s too late, and nothing can change our situation.
You see, it’s not my roommates who have kept me at 59 subscribers.
It’s my failure to make these decisions every day.
And while I can argue that making them would not be convenient given where I live, when we take our dreams seriously, we know it’s not a matter of convenience. It’s urgency, necessity.
So, if you are blaming anyone for your losses or stagnation today, get a mirror.
The one person who is holding you back is yourself.
